The idiot and the prude
by tant-gredelin
Summary: Ichigo learns the hard way why going shopping with Renji is a bad, bad idea.


You do not take Renji out shopping.

This was something Ichigo was quickly learning as he was tugged into a small store which contained nothing but shelf after shelf of sex toys, here and there interrupted by dirty manga and DVDs.

It had looked innocent enough from the outside. A little suspect sure, but no alarms had gone off in Ichigo's head as Renji had suggested they take a look inside. Granted, he hadn't paid too much attention as he'd been busy getting his dad to shut up on the phone.

As soon as they'd opened the door, however, he'd realized just exactly what kind of shop it was and snapped his phone shut while starting to turn around.

That was when Renji had grabbed his shoulder and pulled him inside.

Just for a moment, he'd said.

Once inside there was a counter to Ichigo's left with a bored-looking girl sitting behind it. Other than that the place seemed deserted. Ichigo stared down at the worn carpet and hurried after Renji, his cheeks burning.

After a couple of minutes of Renji picking things up to check them and quietly ooh-ing and aah-ing over the most outrageous DVD covers he could find, and Ichigo nervously shifting his weight from one foot to the other while doing his best not to look up from the floor, Ichigo forced himself to start breathing normally again.

He wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, his ears and cheeks practically _hurt_ from all the blood collected there, but Renji seemed to really be enjoying himself. Maybe it was ok to stay just a little while.

Just as long as Renji didn't screw things up.

"What the fuck is wrong with you humans? This looks like something Kurotsuchi-taichou came up with…" Renji held a glossy, curved, pink dildo up as he studied it from all angles, his brows knit together in concentration. "What's thi- Whoa!" He jolted, nearly dropping the toy as it started vibrating and _undulating_ in his hand, not to mention the fact it also lit up at the tip.

Ichigo had been so sure he couldn't get any more embarrassed, but he'd been wrong, oh so wrong. He buried his burning face in his hands and wished dearly that he was somewhere else.

"Seriously, Ichigo, what's wrong with you guys?"

He jerked his head back and stared at Renji in complete shock as the redhead had stepped closer and _smacked him on the shoulder_ with the damn thing. He opened his mouth, about to chew Renji's head off, but caught himself at the last moment and instead grabbed Renji's wrist and hissed between clenched teeth, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?!"

"Eh?" Renji didn't bother lowering his voice.

"Get that fucking thing away from me! And for fuck's sake, turn it off!"

Renji tugged his arm free from Ichigo's death grip. "What are you whispering for?" He sounded incredulous. "And keep your fucking panties on. I will. Sheesh!"

Ichigo turned on his heel and stared straight ahead at what turned out to be a shelf full of of cone-shaped rubber thingies with flared bases and big, plastic beads on strings and… He tilted his head to the side, but couldn't for the life of him figure out what one of the objects lying there was supposed to do. Or where it was supposed to go, for that matter. Behind him the buzzing continued.

He stopped studying the toys and clenched his hands into tight fists, his shoulders shaking with rapidly escalating rage. "I told you-" Once again he jerked as he was poked with the dildo, this time between his shoulder blades.

"Sorry," Renji muttered, lowering his arm before leaning in to hiss in Ichigo's ear, "but I can't turn it off!"

_This isn't happening._

"Dude, you gotta help me."

_This _isn't _happening!_

Ichigo refused to turn around. "There must be some damn button or dial or something. Stop being a fucking idiot and _turn it off!_"

"But I've already looked," Renji whined.

Red started to bleed into Ichigo's vision field. He whipped around and tore the dildo from Renji's hands and after twisting and turning it for a while managed to locate a rather sneakily hidden button.

He pressed it and was just about to raise his arm to beat Renji to death with the now still toy when it was yanked out of his hand.

"Thanks. Boy, that could've gotten embarrassing…" Renji was smiling – _smiling_ – and once more holding the dildo up to study it.

Ichigo blinked. He stood with his mouth open for a while, unable to process what he'd just heard, before his brain kicked back into gear. "_Could have?!_ I…" He realized his voice quivered, as if he was about to cry. "I'll kill you."

"Hey, do you think this thing actually feels good?" Renji appeared to not have listened. "I mean, the way it feels when you wiggle your fing- mmph!"

In the blink of an eye, Ichigo had curled one hand around Renji's throat and clamped the other over his mouth. "I'll _kill _you. Once we get out of here I'll rip your head off your shoulders and feed it to a hollow, I swear."

There was something in Renji's wide open eyes that told Ichigo that he had perhaps managed to get through to him this time. He took a deep breath to try and calm himself down. "Will you keep quiet if I let go?"

"Mmph."

"Oh, for the love of…"

"_Mmmph!_" Renji nodded frantically, his eyes trained somewhere above Ichigo's shoulder.

"It feels excellent, I can testify to that," a woman's voice chirped behind Ichigo, who froze. "A lot of our male customers have reported they found it to their satisfaction as well."

The only use Ichigo could think of for it was shoving it down his own throat and choking on it. He didn't care about killing Renji anymore, he only wanted to die.

Shakily he lowered his arms and, not even daring to glance at Renji, slowly turned around to face the owner of the voice.

It was the clerk he'd seen (and carefully had avoided eye contact with) when he stepped into the store.

Her eyes glittered with good-natured amusement and her lips were curled into a small but friendly smile. "It's a top-seller. You should give it a try."

"I-I…"

"How much is it?"

_No… Shut up, you fucking retard!_

"Fourty-five hundred yen, sir." The clerk's smile widened as she looked away from Ichigo and up at Renji standing behind him instead.

Renji patted Ichigo's shoulder as if to comfort him as he stepped around him. "Oh man, that much?"

"It's worth it. Plus it comes with a two-year warrant."

"So if it breaks…"

"Yep, you'll get your money back, but my guess is you'd rather trade it for a new one."

The deep, rich sound of Renji laughing shook Ichigo from his frozen state and he exhaled loudly, infinitely happy Renji was now standing straight in front of him and thus hiding him from the clerk.

"That good, huh?" Renji sounded completely at ease. "Well, in that case…"

"You won't regret it, sir. If I'm allowed to get tacky for a moment – satisfaction guaranteed. I'm sure your boyfriend will enjoy it too."

_No way... He's gonna buy it?_ Ichigo stared at Renji's back. _Wait – boyfriend?!_

"If I can get him to try it," Renji chuckled, glancing over his shoulder for a moment.

The look he was met with made him turn his head back quickly and clear his throat.

"Anyways… You've convinced me, lady."

"Good to hear!" The girl clapped her hands together. "Now, if you hand me that and follow me, I'll get a boxed one out for you."

"Alright." Renji handed the toy over and started walking after her as she headed in the direction of the counter, but he stilled after a couple of steps.

Ichigo could see his back tense slightly and realized that he was trying to decide whether to turn around and look at Ichigo or not. He summoned the mother of all dark scowls and prepared himself but in the end Renji kept walking.

Just as well. Although Ichigo was young and considered himself relatively fit, he couldn't rule out a stroke if he'd be met with a smile or, even worse, a _smirk._

"Listen, you gotta tell me... What are the lights for? I mean, is it if I wanna use it in the dark or what?"

The clerk's laughter rang out in the store.

"Or is it because I'm supposed to stick it where the sun don't shine?"

On second thought, a stroke sounded pretty good.

**xXx**

Thank you for reading! Comments are loved and appreciated. :3


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